The Porsche of the
A successful stockbroker
parked his brand-new Porsche in front of his office, ready to show it
off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore
off the door on the driver's side. The stockbroker immediately grabbed
his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the stockbroker
started screaming hysterically. His Porsche, which he had just picked up
the day before, was now completely ruined. When the stockbroker finally
wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in
disgust and disbelief. "I can not believe how materialistic you stock
brokers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that
you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked
the stockbroker. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is
missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck
hit you." "My God!" screamed the stockbroker. "My Rolex!"
If you had bought
$1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth
With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock)
one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10
cent deposit, you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and
The bank robbery
Two stock brokers are in a
bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling
for everyone to freeze. While several of the robbers take the money from
the tellers, others line the customers, including the two stock brokers,
up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other
valuables. While this is going on, one of the stock brokers jams
something into the other stockbroker's hand. Without looking down, the
second stockbroker whispers: "What is this?" The first stockbroker :
"It's the $100 I owe you!"
The investment banker
and the Mexican
An American investment banker was at the pier of a
small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman
Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna.
The American complimented the Mexican on the quality
of his fish and asked, "How long does it take to catch them?"
The Mexican replied: "Only a little while".
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my
children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each
evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full
and busy life."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should
spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with
the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats,
eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling
your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor,
eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product,
processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal
fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC
where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then?"
The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is
right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the
public and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions.. Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal
fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with
your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the
evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your
The riddle of the
investor with three girlfriends
There was an investor who had three girlfriends, but he didn't know
which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how
each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total make over with the money. She
gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells
the investor, 'I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because
I love you so much.'
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a
television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, 'I bought
these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.'
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market,
doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the
rest. She says, 'I am investing the rest of the money for our future
because I love you so much.'
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the
money, and then decided. Q: Who did the investor marry?
A: from right to left: !stit tseggib eht
htiw eno ehT